USSF and POLISH SOF CONDUCT CQB TRAINING

U.S. Army Special Forces / Green Berets / "De Oppresso Liber"

Big Boy Rules: Part 2 "Warrior Worldview"

"If an injury has to be done to a man it should be so severe that his vengeance need not be feared"- Niccolo Machiavelli

Many people prefer to talk about a code, philosophy or trait. These are all synonyms for Ethos. Ethos is a "shared fundamental traits: the fundamental and distinctive character of a group, social context, or period of time, typically expressed in attitudes, habits, and beliefs." A lot has been discussed on this subject, so for the time being I'll skip it. Instead, I want to talk about the Warrior's "worldview."

Why a worldview? A worldview is the overall perspective from which one sees and interprets the world. This is important to whether you are trying to understand yourself, trying to help a loved one or have a heart for vets and want to help them.

It is important because the Warrior views the world differently than others. Their calling is different from the calling of other people who desire to serve, whether as a first responders (police/firemen/EMTs), social workers or preachers, or simply desire to protect, defend or improve their neighborhood, town, state or society (I prefer to just use tribe). How they do it is much different from the Warrior. They are inwardly focused, they usually work within the tribe, living among their people to make this change.

The Warrior is outwardly focused, defending or strengthening his tribe through both defensive and offensive actions. I think the major difference between a Warrior and others is their view toward violence. A police officer is capable of violence in defense of himself or others, but it is always a last resort. When the warrior is called by his tribe, all other options have already been used. The warrior is the last resort, so his primary option is violence.

“There are no substitutes for violence of action and volume of fire. Move forward and shoot, always forward and shooting. The enemy will choose to fight and die or live and run. Either way, move forward and shoot and he will fear you absolutely.”- Otto Skorzeny

A warrior is home in the chaos and carnage of the battlefield. War is his calling, and he fulfills this calling in the death and utter destruction of his enemy. He wins when his enemy, completely broken, begs for mercy and throws his weapons down in surrender.

The Warrior uses whatever instrument of death is available to kill as many of his foe as quickly and violently as possible. It is why we are taught when initiating an ambush, to always open up with the most casualty-producing weapon. We don't announce ourselves and then ask for them to surrender. We use speed, surprise and violence of action to kill, maim and destroy. The more violence at the onset, the more disoriented the enemy will be, which prevents them from being able to effectively retaliate, and therefore easier to kill. 

Everyone who has gone through bayonet training during Basic will recognize the chant....

"WHAT IS THE SPIRIT OF THE BAYONET?" "TO KILL, KILL, KILL WITHOUT MERCY!!!" 

"WHAT MAKES THE GREEN GRASS GROW?" "BLOOD!!! BLOOD MAKES THE GREEN GRASS GROW!!!"

It is used as an attempt to motivate and create the Warrior spirit within new recruits. It is an attempt to teach them what they are now a part of. They are not made to be peacekeepers, nation builders or police. They are made and will be used to close with and kill the enemy. To shoot, stab or beat their foe until only one walks away. It is a calculated culture of violence.

FM 23-25 WAR DEPARTMENT BASIC FIELD MANUAL, BAYONET from Sep 1943 states:

THE SPIRIT OF THE BAYONET: The will to meet and destroy the enemy in hand-to-hand combat is the spirit of the bayonet. It springs from the fighter's confidence, courage, and grim determination, and is the result of vigorous training. Through training, the fighting instinct of the individual soldier is developed to the highest point. The will to use the bayonet first appears in the trainee when he begins to handle it with facility, and increases as his confidence grows. The full development of his physical prowess and complete confidence in his weapon culminates in the final expression of the spirit of the bayonet—fierce and relentless destruction of the enemy. For the enemy, demoralizing fear of the bayonet is added to the destructive power of every bomb, shell, bullet, and grenade which supports and precedes the bayonet attack.

3. PRINCIPLES OF BAYONET FIGHTING: a. The bayonet is an offensive weapon. With it, aggressiveness wins. Hesitation, preliminary maneuvering, and fencing are fatal. The delay of a fraction of a second may mean death.  

b. The bayonet fighter attacks in a fast, relentless assault until his opponent is destroyed. He takes instant advantage of any opening; if the enemy gives no opening, the attacker makes one by parrying his opponent's weapon and driving blade or butt into him with killing force.  

c. As the throat area is especially sensitive to attack by the bayonet, an opponent will act instinctively to protect this area from a thrust. By threatening his opponent's throat with the point of the bayonet, the attacker will frequently cause him to uncover other vulnerable parts of the body. Other sensitive parts frequently exposed to the attacker's thrust are the face, chest, abdomen, and groin.

That is the Warrior worldview - aggression, violence, destruction, attack, killing - all words that are seen in a negative light in today's civilized, PC world. It is why the Warrior is feared, even by his own people.

The police go out and attempt to either prevent crime, or to incarcerate those who have broken the societal code. It is their code to keep the peace or protect and serve (as it states on their vehicles), not to kill and destroy. It is why police snipers only shoot to save a life, whereas a military sniper goes and kills without warning someone who may not be actively fighting.

They are two very different ways to look at the world, as they should be. Both police and Warriors will run to the sound of gunfire, but their reasons are different. They are different because of their worldviews. The police officer goes to help and protect, and he will stop the perpetrator either through arrest or, as a last resort, to kill. At the sound of gunfire, the Warrior comes alive. His heart rate increases, adrenaline surges and senses are heightened. He runs toward it because that is where he belongs, that is where he wants to be. It is his chance to go toe to toe with his enemy once again. His chance to do what he was made for: killing his enemy.

Why does this matter? Why did I spend so much time defining these two things? I did it in hopes of helping people who may be struggling with some of the same things I did. People whose guts tell them that there is nothing wrong with them, but all "the Normals" keep saying they need help. They need to see a shrink, be on medication, go to the VA to get put on disability for PTSD.

The Normals seem to think they know better than us what we need. I'm hoping to share some of my story in order to help a certain group of Vets who are struggling, but don't need to be. I'm hoping that the thoughts which I write down will allow someone to change how they look at their experience.

I've been blessed by people around me who have helped me gain greater insight into who I am, and why I am this way. Some are beliefs that I've had since before I joined the military, and others are relatively recent. I have put them together in a way that makes sense to me, and I hope they make sense to others. Some of the things that I have and will share are things that I haven't shared with many people. Not because I'm ashamed, but because most people won't understand. I've stopped caring how the Normals will judge or look at me.

It is part of my journey and one of those stories not many people know. It won't be pleasant, to some but it will resonate with others. It is why the definition of Warrior and explaining the Warrior worldview were important to this process.

In Part 1, I used the famous line from the movie Conan where he says, “crush your enemies, see them driven before you and to hear the lamentation of their women.” That line has stuck with me, because every time I heard it, it brought up something that I had struggled with for many years. The part about lamentation of their women. I know that sound. I've heard it. Lamentation is more than sadness or crying - it is the sound of utter loss, regret and horror. It is defined in the bible as, "To mourn; to grieve; to weep or wail; to express sorrow." And it is the book traditionally ascribed to Jeremiah, who is lamenting the destruction of Jerusalem which is the most important and holy city to the Jews. It is more than an emotion, it is the sound of someone who has had a piece of their soul ripped out.

We had hit a target north of Baghdad in the middle of a densely populated town. We landed a couple miles away, and had walked into town and surrounded the house where our target was reported to be. We set up blocking positions on the corners of the block, set the charge, and initiated.

The target was located in a town that was, shall we say, not overly friendly. As soon as we breached all hell broke loose. It was like a kid kicking an ant hill. Armed men rushed out of their house attempting to protect the man we were after. The blocking positions on each corner opened up and they began falling.

It was unfortunate that they decided to fight in the street right outside their homes. The wives and children were just inside the doors and saw what was happening to their men, but could not go to them. For the rest of the time that we were on target, the night was punctuated by the roar of gunfire and the lamentations of those whose loved ones were laying dead, bleeding in the streets. As we moved off target and walked down the street and out of town, we stepped over and around the bodies strewn all over.

I said I had struggled with this, but not for the expected reasons. I struggled because I felt like I should be bothered by it, but wasn't. In fact, all I felt was pride. Pride in a successful mission, pride that we had been better than our enemy, and pride that we got the guy we were going after. This was our sixth attempt at him, he had always managed to get out right before we got there. The epic firefight almost seemed fitting as a final chapter in our pursuit of him.

I questioned why I wasn't bothered. In my gut I knew that I wasn't broken, but I couldn't explain why this or any other experience I had didn't keep me awake at night, or cause me to suffer the vivid nightmares and flashbacks that you hear so much about. Even without talking about this with people, I kept getting told that anyone who deployed so much was bound to be affected, encouraging me to get help, get fixed. They sensed the difference in me and just assumed I needed to be fixed.

I was really close to believing them, too. I was different than before, I've deployed so much that maybe there really was something wrong with me. Even in my doubt, my gut kept telling me that I was fine. How does one go against everyone and everything and instead trust their gut.

It wasn't until I was talking to a former Army psychologist who explained the difference between PTS and PTSD that I had my "AHA" moment. That is when I started writing and wrote The Stigma of PTSD. In Part 3, I begin talking about the real issue that many have. The guilt of what they have seen or did. The loss of brothers and the survivor's guilt that so often comes with it and the "horrors of war" that are destroying so many of us.

I don't claim to have a magic spell that will fix everyone, hell it might not help anyone. I very well could just be that fucked up, but I don't think so. I'm hoping that, if nothing else, it lays a seed for people to come back to and think about. Maybe it will help people accept and embrace the Warrior that they are. Not to be ashamed of their experience, but to be proud of it, to truly understand and believe that it is the nature of war to be ugly and learn to accept it. Honor the sacrifice of the Warriors who didn't make it home and let go of the guilt that does not belong to them.

Author's Notes

I hope no one thinks that I am saying once you hang up the uniform you are no longer a warrior. Once you have made that choice it is who you are until you meet your brothers on the other side. The only way it is lost is if you violate the code, bring dishonor on your society or tribe. Much like shunning or in the case of SF, revoking their Tab. It lets them, and everyone else in the society, know that they have brought shame or dishonor on their tribe.

I used police officers, not to minimize them, what they do, or their sacrifices, but as a way to contrast the difference of view between them and the Warriors. I also used them because I know many cops view themselves as Warriors, which I personally think is a bad thing, because of my views of what a Warrior is.

I purposefully avoided traits of the Warrior like loyalty, courage, honor, fidelity, honesty or strength. As with the first essay, I wanted this worldview to be able to be used for any Warrior throughout history. mercy for some would be a good trait, for others mercy was considered a weakness.

Big Boy Rules: Part 1

I started this project trying to help certain people who, due to combat experience, are struggling with things they saw or did. Some call it PTSD, and the new term being tossed around is Moral Trauma. I wanted to help people learn to change their thinking, how they view themselves and the world. This project kind of got a little out of hand and became a multi-part essay, titled Big Boy Rules.

To get to my end state I decided that certain definitions and concepts had to be defined and, in some cases, corrected.

What is a warrior? (PART 1 of Big Boy Rules)

I’m sick and tired of people stealing our words and culture and bastardizing powerful ideals to make money. I think it’s time that we as a warrior society take back our language and culture, and take pride in who we are and what we have done. If anyone can develop the “Warrior Ethos” to lose weight, be a better businessman or overcome some hardship, it lessens our sacrifice and calling. If anyone can be a Warrior, what makes us so special? If getting the kids ready for school is a “battle” when a neighbor has a “violent” coughing fit; then lessens our experiences, blood, sweat and loss and they don't mean as much.

What is a warrior? Webster’s states that a Warrior is "a man engaged or experienced in warfare."

At its essence, you can’t have a warrior without the possibility of war. Unfortunately, the word has been hijacked from its true meaning. The emasculation and feminization of the modern world either seeks to demonize certain traits or characteristics as old fashioned, or it attempts to steal certain words that historically have meant one thing but, due to overuse, the true visceral meaning is watered down. Anyone who dares contradict the modern meaning is vilified as being insensitive, ignorant or my favorite, unenlightened. They will either attack you for using “hate speech”, or say that you are “inciting violence” when you say something as simple as “targeting.” Or they will go the opposite way, and try to over use them so they aren't as powerful, just like fucking hipsters and beards.

Society overuses the word "warrior" trying to get rid of the image of a man engaged in combat. It is now a yoga pose - The Warrior is “any of a number of standing poses in yoga in which the legs are held apart and the arms are stretched outwards.” Do a google search and you find spiritual warriors, warrior cats, Greenpeace has the “Rainbow Warrior.” If you don’t like breast cancer you can be a “Warrior in Pink,” or if you are fighting diabetes you can be a “Diabetes Warrior.” All are attempts to dilute the power of that one little word.

I saw this quote from Moreihei Ueshiba, who is the founder of the art of Aikido: “The Way of the Warrior has been misunderstood. It is not a means to kill and destroy others. To smash, injure, or destroy is the worst thing a human being can do. The real Way of a Warrior is to prevent such slaughter — it is the Art of Peace, the power of love.’

Well I have one little word for Mr. Ueshiba.....Bullshit! I know he is a high highfalutin, enlightened, eastern martial arts master who's buddy buddy with the fucking Buddha himself, and his intense lifelong study has put him on a higher plane than us mere fucking mortals. But he can take that toy wooden sword, stick it up his ass and spin. Ask an ancient Viking, Knight or Mongol if being a warrior is truly the “art of Peace, the Power of love?” After they finished kicking your ass, they would throw you out and go back to drinking.

A popular police blog says, “Warriors are persons who risk life and limb to protect their countries, communities, families and friends: in short, they protect others. We believe a warrior is a protector of all life — including the lives of criminals and enemies — if possible.” I will let a quote from a famous movie give my reply to that nonsense…

"Conan! What is best in life?"
"To crush your enemies, see them driven before you and to hear the lamentation of their women."
"That is good! That is good." Conan The Barbarian

The goal when coming up with my definition was that it would apply to every culture throughout history that had a Warrior society, and it would meet these three criteria:

1. Why did they do it?
2. Who did they do it for, and
3. Make sure the definition fits any group, as long as it was seen from the perspective of that society's values and norms.

So what, in my opinion, is a warrior? 

“A Warrior is someone who is called to war for the benefit of his people.”

A Warrior’s life is dedicated to and preparing for war. He craves the opportunity to test himself in a righteous battle. When a soldier only ever trains, it’s like an athlete who devotes his life to the game, but only ever sits on the bench.

For those of us who had joined before 9/11 this was talked about, but only between brothers, and never where outsiders could overhear. Constant training in the skills of combat, yet never knowing if you would be able to “play in the game,” was frustrating, and if the wrong person heard these thoughts they looked at you as if you were fucked up and needed to be hospitalized.

People who joined after 9/11 never had to think about this because our country had been attacked, and they were going to get a chance to play. They didn't have to come to this understanding; they knew they were going to war, which is why they joined.

In a few years, warriors will once again have to go through these mental gymnastics. They will see the CIBs and combat patch, and secretly wish for their chance. It is one reason why Warriors are drawn to SOF. They have the hardest and most realistic combat training, and they will be the first ones to taste combat because they are the tip of the spear. In today’s society this type of thinking is frowned upon. The yearning for war and the desire to test yourself is seen as aberrant behavior.

For those of us who went and came back, we are looked at by some as if we are dangerous or damaged. If our stories are told, both the good and the bad, they are met by sadness and pity. People say they are "sorry" for what we had go through. Their sympathy is offensive to me, I neither want nor need it.

The Warrior's life is lonely. People sense that there is something different about them. Loved ones try to change them, friends don’t understand and coworkers sense there is something “off.” They act like a domesticated animal when it senses a predator in the area.

This is why a Warrior seeks the company of his brothers. They are the only ones who understand and can relate. Brothers are the ones who can sit and listen without shock, sadness, horror or pity. Without judgement or disgust. How can a therapist understand and help you if he/she looks at you like you are “broken” and need to be fixed. I’m not saying there isn't a time and place to get professional help, because there is, but pick your doctor carefully.

If you have a healthy view of combat already, seek out and try to help those who are struggling. That is what this brotherhood is all about.

Not all who join the military are Warriors. People join for many reasons, and the Warriors couldn't do their job of killing, mayhem and destruction, if they had to worry about everything else, too. Being a soldier is a career, but being a Warrior is a calling. I don’t know if Warriors are born, created or a combination of both, but when a man understands and embraces his true nature, that is when the Warrior comes out.

Many who came in before 9-11 did it for the sole purpose of either a career, or for the college, and usually avoided the combat arms. Post 9-11, this still happened, but no one who joined can say they didn’t know what they were getting into. People who joined and signed up for the combat arms, knowing we were at war, were either lied to by their recruiter, didn't know exactly what they were getting into, or they knew and were searching for something that was inside them and they wanted to see if they met the standards of those who came before, and the heroes they looked up too.

As I said, I don’t know if a Warrior is born or created, but for me, I think I was born fucked up. Everything should have been against me treading this path. My dad was a preacher and I grew up in a wonderful Christian home. My mother’s family were Mennonites from Kansas. My father never owned a gun, in fact I had to buy my first gun, a .22, with money I earned.

I always wanted to join the military, I played with GI Joes till I was 13 and had more camo than a surplus store. I played army in the woods with all of my free time and I read any and every book about war I could find. I went through a phase in the 6th grade where I was reading books on mercenaries, and then I started in on Vietnam and devoured everything I could on the SEALs and Green Berets. To this day those men are my heros, and I get a little excited when I meet them (like a normal person would act when meeting a celebrity).

My parents, God bless them, started to become worried, because they sensed something different in me, I believe they thought it was a darkness or sickness. It was something they weren’t familiar with, and they sensed I was different. Different enough to be worthy of their concern.

I think what cinched it for them happened when I was about 16. There was this stray dog that kept coming around causing problems. It didn't matter how many times we forced it out or drove it miles away, he always came back. My dad asked if he could borrow my .22 because he planned on shooting it. I looked at him and just knew it would be much harder for him to do it than me, but it had to be done. I looked at him and said I’d do it. I took the dog into the woods with my gun and a shovel, shot it and buried it. It wasn't easy, because I absolutely love dogs, but it was something that had to be done. I swear after that, my parents were scared that they were raising a psychopath. They thought that I wanted to do it, like I got some sick kind of satisfaction out of it, not that it was a job that needed doing, and I was the best qualified.

I understand not fitting in and being different. It’s why I said being a warrior can be a lonely path. I thank God I married a woman who sees that part of me, and instead of trying to change it, or thinks I’m broke. She honors and respects it for the calling that it is. She has let me deploy and deploy because she knows that is where I belong. I love her for it, and I am lucky to have found a partner like her. She defends me when family talks about me not being home for my family, and doesn't let them put me down.

I want your thoughts and opinions on this. I know many people will disagree with me on this, but I hope it will resonate with the Warriors, and maybe help them realize that, even though they may be different, they most certainly aren't broken or damaged.

The Stigma Of PTSD

What is PTSD?

Do I have it? My wife is concerned and thinks I have at least some form of it. I don't know, I don't think I do, at least not in the "normal" sense that people think when talking about it.

I don't wake up in cold sweats, with my heart racing from nightmares, reliving traumatic events. I don't have flashbacks or triggers that take me back. I don't drink, abuse drugs or beat my wife and kids.

I do tend to be more hyper-aware: scanning my surroundings, a hatred of sitting with my back to crowds. Am I different from before I deployed? Sure I am. War has transformed me.

No one who witnesses the simple beauty of war will ever be the same. The beauty of ‘kill or be killed’, or training to exhaustion because if you don’t give everything, it could result in you or your teammates paying the iron price. Knowing that you always have to be better than the other guy, and sometimes, even when you are better, accepting the fact that when it's your time, there is nothing you can do about it. Not only accepting it, but embracing that knowledge and taking comfort in it.  Being freed from fear and willingly running to the gun fire, because you know that is where you belong, and feel the most alive.

Do I have PTSD?

As I am getting ready to retire, I am struggling with the transition much more than I thought I would. The saying ‘PTSD: When you realize you will never be that cool again’ takes on significant meaning now.

I find myself reconnecting with old friends who went through the fire with me. Each new loss hits me a little bit harder. I struggle to decide what I want to be when I ‘grow up’. I feel overwhelmed at the responsibility of providing for my family, but simultaneously not knowing what my next step is.

I know that 99% of Americans will never understand what I did, why I did it or why I miss it so. I have family who thought I was a bad dad because I kept deploying over and over… never understanding it was a calling of almost religious proportions.

What do you do when the god of war no longer needs you?

These are the things that haunt me. When I dream, I dream of failure, of letting down my family or brothers, not being prepared or everyone waiting on me because I can't find my gear. The anxiety of not being prepared.

Do I think I have PTSD?

No. I have been tempered by the fire. It has hardened and changed me. I am different… a weapon who needs to find his place in this strange world of civilians and peace. I may not be as sharp as I once was. I may have a lot of dings, but each ding was earned, and will be remembered with a smile and serenity in my soul. A weapon does not question its purpose, because it knows why it was created. For although I am an old weapon, I sit in a place of honor ready to be used when I am called once more.

Do I Have PTSD?

I emphatically state "I DO NOT HAVE PTSD!” What I have is PTS. I do not have a disorder. I know who I am. Even though I may be different than before combat, I understand that. That is normal. Life is change and how could something as intense as combat not change me? I have evolved. I am aware. Those changes kept me alive and I will always be different. I embrace the difference and own it. I feel sorry for the 99% who live in safety and comfort and do not know that the lions are at the door.

They try to label me, and say that there is something wrong in my head. It's easier for them to try to throw medication at me, and pay me off than it is to except the new me. For many, there is a readjustment time because normal life is boring. Every emotion in combat is just.....more. Everything is extreme: love, hate, loss, anger, joy. All greater. That is why the bond between brothers is stronger than any other. It was forged with an intensity.

For some it is hard to adjust back to "normal" levels of emotion, because everything seems so dull. Paying bills, walking the dog, or playing with the kids pales in comparison to not knowing what is waiting for you on the other side of the door you are about to go through. When it's over, the relief, excitement and pride of knowing, once again, that you and your brothers were the better men. It was not your time.

Do I have PTS?

Yes I do. I wear it with pride because I fucking earned it.

Loren